Fruit Loaf to the Rescue!

So this morning has been a toughie and if I’m going to be honest, tears have been shed.

Having 3 children means mornings never pass without squabbles; personal highlights from this morning include bickering over bloody spoons and Noah begging me to get Eden to stop humming The Greatest Showman! However these are the mornings I quietly treasure, what followed this morning are the days I dread. 

Caleb’s Asperger’s means any break to his morning routine can cause chaos; today he slept in. Part of his routine is a super early alarm and breakfast by himself in peace. So waking to his brother and sister already up and Noah attempting to sleeper hold Eden in to silence was never going to end well and what followed was an almighty meltdown. 

Meltdowns are heartbreaking to watch, as my quiet, gentle boy becomes enraged and inconsolable. Being a Mum of 3 my first priority is always to get his brother and sister to safety and then make sure Caleb is safe. As his mum I want to fix everything and sometimes I can, sometimes a firm cuddle and just cradling him like a baby until he calms works, sometimes getting him to his room (his safe place) and letting him ride it out works. Sometimes, I have a feeling ones coming, just sheer Mum gut instinct and know to lighten his load and give him space. But this morning short of Doc and Marty McFly turning up on my doorstep with the DeLorean there was nothing I could do, it had already happened. I couldn’t fix his world. So he screamed and shouted and thrashed launching the clicker (tv remote across the room) whilst I moved everyone to safety.

I then, if truthful, hid in the toilet and had a wee cry, not because I was upset at him. No, I already know no one will be more distraught and upset with what’s happened than Caleb himself. He hates any sort of violence. It’s just not in his nature. He is in fact the gentlest most loving boy I know, in a few hours or days, once he’s had time to process it all he will be heartbroken to realise he has scared us all.

No, I’m not upset with Caleb I’m disappointed in myself. I hadn’t seen it coming. Now it has happened I feel crushed at not being able to make his world better, that’s my job, I’m his Mum. Not only am I angry at myself for letting Caleb down but also for taking my eye off the ball and letting Eden and Noah down. I should have seen it coming. However, self pity doesn’t get us anywhere and more importantly it won’t help Caleb or get the little ones to school on time so I wipe my snotty face put on my big girl pants and get everyone ready to leave the house.

I’m unbelievably relieved not to have to battle too forcefully to get Caleb out of the house as my friends arrival at the door gives our morning a jolt back in the right direction. His comforting routine kicks back in. Petrified that flight mode is away to occur and not fancying a morning run on a dodgy toe, I put Caleb in charge of walking our dog. It sounds like a recipe for disaster but I know he wouldn’t leave Reuben and my faithful dog won’t wander too far ahead of me.

We then followed our usual routine of walking the dog round the woods with the anger etched all over his tear sodden face whilst my lovely friend distracted me from trying too hard to put him back together. On returning home we finally got some food in him, cereal was a no as ‘he’s dressed’ and ‘we are past breakfast time’.  Many deliberations later he made himself fruit loaf whilst I made his favourite cuppa of mint and green tea and he smiled. Slowly, with time, my boy came for a cuddle (by this point I don’t know which one of us needed it more) and with that hug both our worlds suddenly feel better.