“Big Boys Don’t cry” – He’s my son and he can cry if he wants to!

Breaking gender stereotypes is just as important in raising healthy sons as it is in encouraging our daughters. In a world where you can be anything; be yourself.

Noah was so excited to be off to a birthday party on Sunday and happily raced upstairs to pick what he wanted to wear, coming down rocking his Rolling Stones T-shirt, a waist coat, skinny jeans, brown boots and of course his hat!

I’m completely bias but I think the boys got style and totally looked like he should be part of the band!!

When we got to the party and saw bouncy castles and footballs I expected him to be in his element. However, he was shy and unsure, he suddenly became very aware that nobody else was dressed like him or looked like him and whispered his concern to me.

No, I don’t just mean his hair, Noah loves his wrestler hair and will happily threaten to power slam anyone who calls him a girl or questions his right to wear it long!

What was interesting for me was he didn’t question how he was dressed but why everyone else looked the same. He worried it meant he would be picked on just like with his hair. (They were the loveliest bunch of kids and totally didn’t by the way.) But just like his hair which I remind him he can cut anytime he wishes, I calmly said we can remove your hat and waistcoat if you like but only if it’s because you want to and not because you feel you have to to fit in. We don’t change ourselves for others.

It’s such a strong message, one that as woman we make sure our daughters feel powerful in knowing; they can look however they wish, be who ever they want, play with any toy they wish, do anything a boy can do and achieve anything with hard work.

How many of us are teaching our sons those same lessons? To be confident in their own skins, to be accepting of differences and to expect to be treated with the same equality? More importantly how many of us are teaching our daughters that acceptance goes both ways?

No one questions my daughter kicking a football about. No one comments if she chooses to wear a T-shirt or jammies from the boys side preferring it’s message or characters to the ones in the designated girls section.  But I’ve lost count at how many times Noah despite being dressed like a boy is mistaken for a girl. I’m asked on a weekly basis when Noah is getting a hair cut. Ive stood jaw on the floor as both adults and children have felt the need to tell him that “long hair is for girls”.  On reassuring my son in front of them that this is not the case, even questioning the adults on why they believe this stereotype to be true; I’m often met with silence as they can’t think of a reason or “well it just is.”

Yes, his hair is incredibly long, unruly and in need of a trim but to him it’s just like his hero’s. The WWE wrestlers that he looks up to. Surely, these are the small stepping stones in the stigmas of what a boy and girl “should look like” that we should be aiming to tackle; in order to break the bigger stigmas.

Noah can still be very emotional, throw the odd tantrum or two when he feels overwhelmed, misunderstood and unable to articulate his emotions. All pretty understandable; he’s 5 and still so young. I’ve been appalled at how many times recently I’ve heard passers by comment “big boys don’t cry”. In truth; it saddens me.  Noah is by no means a wall flower and if he’s crying there’s usually a reason that merits those tears. Whilst I’m aware on the whole the intentions are well meant; society still thinks it’s acceptable for a girl to cry but a boy should toughen up and just get on with it. What long term damage is this causing?

These young boys become preconditioned to believe it’s their job as grown men to hold it all together, to bottle it up, to be tough, to be a man. All too often these boys become men who struggle to communicate their emotions seeing it to be a weakness. All too often these are the men that suffer in silence when the world throws a little too much crap their way. The men that hit self destruct rather than ask for help. The men that become overwhelmed, stressed, detached and tired. Tired from pretending, tired of being strong and tired of being tired. The men that battle on whilst suffering Mental Health problems believing they can fix it because the thought of opening up and asking for help is admitting defeat. The men that worry in accepting that much needed help that they will be labelled as weak. Being stereotyped as less of a man, somehow, seems more unbearable than the suffering they are enduring.

So often I hear woman say “if only men talked like we do, if only it didn’t take their emotions spilling out in to angry outbursts for us to find out what’s really going on inside their heads”. And I hurt for those men. Break the cycle; let them know as wife’s it okay to cry, it’s okay to feel overwhelmed, it’s okay to ask for help, listen to them and most importantly let them know they are always loved. You are a team. Be the change you want to see. 

I watch as some woman cuddle their daughters in tight when they are hurt by another child whilst telling their upset sons, “come on, no need to cry, get on with it.”

I want to scream let them cry as boys.  Let them play with pink pushchairs if they want, let them have a toy unicorn, let them dress up in princess costumes, let them grow their hair, let them find out who they are. Put names to those emotions as children, reassure them when they are upset wee boys, don’t force them in to male dominated sports if it’s not for them just to fit in. Let them know as Mothers that you are accepting, lead by example, treat them as growing individuals and don’t force them to conform to the stereotypes. Those wee boys become grown men with their own sons looking to them as to how a man should be. Send the right messages.

I don’t want to raise a child of any gender to bottle up their feelings, I want my children to be able to express themselves and feel confident that their feelings are being listened to and understood. I want to be the safe place that they can be at their worst and still know they are loved. I want them to be able to name the emotions they are feeling in the hope that as they grow they are able to make sense of the world, themselves and be good communicators. I want to instill in them a voice that they are not afraid to use whether it be to express themselves and their opinions or defend themselves and others against injustice. I want my children to never be scared to ask for help, to know without questioning that it shows strength, not failure and certainly not a weakness of character.

My son’s can dress how they wish, grow their hair down to their bums if it makes them happy, can play with whatever toy they choose, cry without shame when they need to and of course be what ever they want to be. As can my daughter. As can my husband should he wish!

As a wife and Mother to 2 boys and a girl surely the message we want to be encouraging is: in a world where you can be anything, be kind. To raise our families to be kind and accepting? To teach both boys and girls that they can be who they want, they are individuals not defined by gender, that differences are what makes us special and that with hard work any dream is achievable. At a time when our daughters are being asked to believe in equality is it not just as important that our sons are allowed to ask for the same?